Democratic front-runner Bernie Sanders just fell to last place after DNC officials announced doctors have grafted the heads of all remaining candidates onto John Hickenlooper’s body, merging the candidates into a massively grotesque meta-candidate.
Doctors are reporting the creature is recovering well. It wakes up occasionally to mutter and argue with itself, saying incoherent weaselly things like “access to health care” or “malarkey.” Doctor Jim Whitehead spoke to Solilo in a phone call, saying, “The process was actually quite easy. All the patients were either cold-blooded or had no blood at all, so blood compatibility was not an issue.”
The new human entity will be named Tomichael Amybeth #Buttidenblooker and will still be effectively 1/1024th Native American. Buttidenblooker isn’t technically on the primary ballots, but the DNC doesn’t seem to be worried, since they make up the rules as they go along anyway.
Stay tuned to this breaking story. Contrary to popular belief, there is no evidence that the core is rejecting the Marianne Williamson skin grafts.
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Nick Pisca, Creator of 0001D and IDI Online. You can find him on Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube. Before you get into a big tissy fit, he probably disagrees more with your enemy than with you.
